pilgrimage to intimacy

silent ululations
ancient and elemental
call through this membrane of Light that is my body
   transforming pain - deep and embedded -
with luminous love

the scent of attention, intention
becomes a mantra
flowing through my veins, cells, sinews, limbs
melting the stiffness of calcified stories
just as Aegean waters caress rough cliffs
     into soft sands
feeding, cleansing, nourishing, purifying
     my silken Earth

my skin is raw -
   new to this world
I stand here naked
my art, a protection
this protection, an art

“I’m right here with you - in you,” Source whispers
   and offers her shimmering kaleidescope of Truth
“In Sacred Passages, we are never alone
in this circle of wisdom
we are midwives to each other’s wholeness
warriors in the blending of shadow and Light."

"It is a first act of courage
    an invitation to intimacy
that initiates a pilgrimage to the Temple of the Possible
honour what is most precious
and let the collective field love you back into coherence ~
this is an act of will and act of surrender."

we look each other in the eye,
     through the eye of our storms

veil after veil is lifted
the path is revealed
to welcome you home.

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this poem was written on may 22, 2009 at the Art of Protection, at Axladitsa where i met Yitzhak. the invitation was his, and from life herself, to take a deep dive of initiation in and through intimacy and partnership. an invitation for our souls to journey ~ together and on our own - to find our way closer to home. i realize i write a lot about coming home, finding home, returning home ~ and i believe this might just be my ultimate quest.

fragments from a dreamcatcher

this poem was written in jerusalem on the eve of the new calendar year. 
i found myself in a most intimate space ~ watching my partner sleep as the time came closer to the symbolic and real passing of a threshold from one year to another and all that this is offering us as individuals, as a couple, as souls who have chosen to be here at this time of transition. there is a whole life in sleep and dreamtime that so often goes unnoticed not only by our own selves, but by others who are right there ~
when do we find ourselves fully present to the vulnerable, to the mysterious?
i felt this deep gratitude for being witness to this,
realizing that his sleep was a gift to me, to us, and to life.
so i took my pen and journal and waited.... and this is what he offered me....

i left the page blank
it was the best writing
i could do
~
i woke up
right on time
to let you sleep

your elbow rests upon
my head
see,  
even as you sleep
i can give you
the support you seek
~
while you were sleeping
you gave me
these lines

they came out just so
or needed a little fixing
but the miracle
is that I caught them in the first place

~
sadness,
sadness and tears
sometimes there is no relief
but just the need
to feel the sadness
and let the tears flow

even the hard moments
especially the hard moments
are given to us
so we can take another step

towards God

in every breath
even the tiny gasp
in a tormented sleep
there is all of Life
~
the passage of time
is like the wind caressing my ankles
it is always there
and yet sometimes
I notice

it's like my fear
it just needs a gentle reminder
that i am actually
being kissed

or a cat
licking away tears
who drinks the salt of Life
and tastes only the sweetness
~
"what do you want to do?"
to watch you sleep
for the moment you wake
is enough

your life will never be the same
neither will be mine
from one moment
to the next

your sleep
renews me

can i be your
dreamcatcher?

(download)
photo by jeraldene lovell-cole


the divine carpet makers

 "A candle has been lit in me
for which the sun is a moth."
~ from the Ecstatic and Earthly Reflections of Bahauddin, the Father of Rumi

Can I mark this point in my life to anchor the rapids of change, at least for a moment? This morning, for the first time in a long time, I found myself journaling. I have missed meeting myself on the page. It was a relief to trace the lines of my inner life with a black pen, stark against the whiteness of the page. My handwriting, a testament to putting into form that which is there but hardly even visible to my own self.

I have not been very good at tracking and tracing my life into clear pictures or tangible tapestries. I am noticing an amnesia, blank spaces or deleted files and it is troubling me. Where is my life? Can I make it visible to myself? Noticing the amnesia is at least a good start to re-calling the parts of me that for some reason I keep forgetting. And so in writing this post today, it is a promise to myself to re-member, an act to invite the wholeness of my life to regain membership into my own association.

In the Sufi tradition, there is the story of the carpet sellers who sell carpets to those looking to buy, but only share the meaning of the patterns in the carpets to those who inquire. And when those who inquire really ask, when they are recognized as seekers, the carpet seller will invite them into the back room for tea to talk about the secrets woven into the carpet's patterns. Life, and wholeness and universal mysteries ... And eventually, the student becomes a master, and sells carpets to those seeking in the marketplace, so to speak.  

Forever stitched in time, by hand, through the labour of love that is devotion, the patterns are indigenous to lineages of families, to specific regions, and beliefs about oneness.The carpets are alive with these histories. Beauty and the mystical are drawn in thread into the most practical of everyday things ~ a carpet. The cycles of artistry, story-telling and the exchanges between seekers and mystics over tea or a strong coffee are continuously remembered.

What strikes me is act of daily prayer through the ordinary extra-ordinariness of this cycle.

And I am struck by how lately I have been so hungry for this kind of prayer. "Call on your angels, your guides, your grandmothers...", they tell me.  But somehow, I have found myself bereft, feeling quite alone and unsure how to ask for help or offer myself in prayer. 

I was sick a few weeks ago and was sustained by a book called The Bread of Angels. It is a breathtakingly honest account of a young American Christian woman in Syria after 9/11 whose broken heart and fellowship to study the Islamic Jesus leads her to the desert and a deeper kind of love. I was moved by her quest, by the similarities to my own, but notably by her strained and joyful reconnection with prayer. In tears, with myself under the bed covers, I silently and shyly formed a prayer.

Two days later, still coughing, I responded to the bookseller's email to attend a poetry reading of the great Taha Muhamed Ali at the Jerusalem Cinematheque. There were only a few seats left on the far side of the cinema, and I found myself right behind Stephanie Saldana, the author of the book. It gave me a chance to thank her - and to believe that maybe somehow a prayer had been heard. 

 "The primary purpose of prayer is not to make requests," writes Abraham Joshua Heschel, my favourite mystic rabbi. "The primary purpose of prayer is to praise, to sing, to chant. Because the essence of prayer is a song and men cannot live without a song. Prayer may not save us, but prayer may make us worthy of being saved. Prayer is not requesting. There is a partnership of God and men. God needs our help,"   He is reminding me that we are in it together. That my light is Yours, and yours is in mine.

In these times of uncertainty and incoherence, when my life is moving too quickly and I do not understand exactly what is being asked of me, I know that I can offer myself and I can ask for guidance as a way to ground, and to remind myself that I am here right now even if I don't know where I will be tomorrow.
The journaling, the carpet-making, the seeking and the prayer are all forms of tracing the lines of my life back to myself as a unique thread in the loom of a greater mystery.  These practices and moments place me in a pattern that I cannot see right now, but I do know that whatever the pattern is, it is a fractal of a much wider wholeness.

 It is a stunning universal carpet. One that can only be woven in a very special kind of partnership.

Southern Pinwheel
Image courtesy Caltech/NASA

these dark places have loved me

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i cannot lead, step forward, shine
only from this daisy light
that can make a field bloom

a full light
needs the shadow-shade of darkest moon
  the grunt of the wild boar
  the mud of fear
  the alchemy of surprise

that very specific quality of surprise
in meeting the darkness
  in me ~
my rough velvet despair
wailing in pain and anger
to not be that which i encounter
to ONLY be beautiful, bright, kind,
  inspirational

but i didn’t know my own power
my fullness
didn’t know the colour of the blood in my veins
the fear in my gut
the disgust in myself
that only comes through the harsh judgment of
  shouldn’t i be something else?
  shouldn’t i be someone

  other than who i am?

i don’t like what i see

but can i love?
  can i love no matter what
  can i love all of me
especially, when i am angry, ashamed, fragmented, lost
especially, when i think that I
should ought could
just be ....

  a little more together
  a little more beautiful
  a little more something or other

these dark places have LOVED me right back
when i fought them
  ignored them
  hurt them
they NEVER judged me
they never attacked me
they simple waited
  softly sometimes
  fiercely
waited for me to come around
and blend accept soften
  into my belly
  into my fears
  into my pain
  my anxiety

soften

and melt
the rough elements, the static
to become the lead
in the alchemy
  of full acceptance

  and Surrender
~ that crashing, bracing
explosion of surrender ~

to what is &
  who i am.

photo by Jeraldene Lovell-Cole

hermitage of the soul

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I have been living in a kaliva for the past three weeks. A kaliva is a sacred structure in Greece - a place that hosts the alchemy between people and place which produces the golden-green oil of this region.  Kalivas are the stone dwellings Greek families use during the olive harvest.  In past generations, families would not only store their olives here but hand-press them into oil using large flat stones found on the land. Kalivas swell with activity, dictated by the cycles of living and dying, where the rituals of harvesting result in the olive oil that sustains households and fuels the future.

The kaliva in which I am staying has been owned by our friend Panayotis and his family for many generations. It is tucked into a warm slope of land, kissed by the sun and protected from the wind. It is filled with the warm energy of a family who loves their land, and who touches it regularly with their hands and hearts.

The kaliva rests on the ley-line that connects the Aegean Sea to Axladitsa, the home of Maria and Sarah with whom I am a partner in creating many things. I am now understanding that through our Living Wholeness work, we are creating another kind of ley-line between people and places ~ connecting the emerging newness in the world, with ancient knowledge and the wisdom within us and around us. We are finding that our work is a way of re-membering patterns of living life as aligned with Life and this kaliva is like a lung, helping me to stop and breathe this remembrance in through the skin and soil of my body.

Being here is a deep breath.  

In the midst of all our travels and movement between the emerging social movements in Greece, in the UK and in Israel, the kaliva offers a pause to connect to the natural rhythms of life, and quietly into my own internal rhythms. As the fault lines open in so many of our human-made systems, they reveal a gaping wound - our longing for connection with the pulse and mystery of life. We have forgotten that we are an essential part of a glorious wholeness and that we have a part to play.  The kaliva does not ask me to retreat from the realities of a chaotic world. Rather, it offers a deeply monastic proposal, to come into community with all that is around me.

It calls out a kind of authenticity and awareness in me to engage with these complexities, to enter these questions of what it is being asked of me and of us, from a different place within myself.

I have been living in this little hermitage surrounded by trees over 500 years old, embraced by the tangible love planted by families who live with the reference of the land and, as Panayotis says, with the companionship and intelligence of the olive tree. It has reminded me that I too have a place in this eco-system, not so much as a someone indigenous to this place in the way of Panayotis and his lineage, but as a creature who cultivates reverence by the very nature of becoming more and more present - deeply present - to life's unfolding.  

This practice demands a kind of sacred re-structuring, a renovation of my own ley-lines deep within my soul ~ and a faith that I am being, rather than doing, the work that needs to be done.

photos by Jeraldene Lovell-Cole, Sarah Whiteley and Vanessa Reid

To read the story of coming into relationship with this place and the new place within me  through the teachings of one particular tree...see The Altar of a Tree.

 


 

 

the altar of a tree

there is an ancient olive tree that sits outside the kaliva.
she looks as though is she is just there ~
  living, growing, traveling through the seasons of the year
    the seasons of Time.
lifetimes of wind have touched her bark
  eternities of sun have bleached her leaves.

how many sparrows have sung oracles in her mass of wild leaves?
how many olives have seeded, birthed and flowered for the glory of fruition,
only to return,
   miraculously, to the soil of this tree's soul?

she offers her shade, freely
  creates oxygen, as a lifeline.
    she is beautiful, naturally.

sloping down the slight hill, she is balanced and bent
    wide and self-contained.
she is, quite simply, living life as she must,
  with all that she has,
    unmatched, humble and glorious.

every morning, as the sun rises
  I sit and breathe her in.
and at night, after the dark walk through these busy woods
of wild boar and waning moonlight
  I land here, at her altar,
     in her embrace ~
safe in her guardianship.

I have so recently come to see the magnificence of this tree

she is magnificent not only for her absolute generosity
  her perfect imperfections
    her authentic life of being exactly what she is

but because she reminds me
  that i, too,
    can live my life as a prayer.

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currency of the human heart

a young man burns himself alive
no longer willing to be imprisoned
by rules that are not his

a young woman places a tent outside her home
she can no longer afford this life
so chooses one that is yet unknown

webs of friendships of those who have not yet met
years of conversation, damp, stagnating, hopeful
movements, laying still
rise
as dynasties and despair crumble

and in the heart of a holy city
Che Guevera’s image unfurls
down the side of an abandoned building
and the pulse of a country divided, quickens
could we occupy a different kind of future?

indignados, revolutionaries
everyday people
are joining the evolution

grandfathers, artists, single mothers, students
gather in circles, in Squares
all over the world
revealing a long forgotten constellation

the boulevards and plazas are crackling with life
limned by death, by the hands of the dying
but reclaimed, our streets become
gracious forums of encounter
and unexpected intimacies

we find ourselves cooking up conversations
by the fire of our re-lit hearts
looking around in disbelief we ask
where have we been?
we are so many

the global world cafe opens its doors
to a Syrian youth in exile
who speaks with an Israeli innovator
they are witnessed by a young mystic from Iran
in the womb of a community without borders

the cleansing tears of young men who love life
drop into the stillness of a new current

this is not a financial crisis
this is not a governance crisis
but a crisis of the human heart

hearts aflame
we source a deeper currency
so that we may find our way back home.

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liberating structures

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There's courage involved
if you want to become truth.

There is a broken-open place
in a lover.  Where are those qualities
of bravery and sharp compassion in the group?

What's the use
of old and frozen thought?
I want a howling hurt.

This is not a treasury
where gold is stored;
this is for copper.

We alchemists look for talent
that can heat up and change.

Lukewarm won't do.
Halfhearted holding back,
well-enough getting by?

Not here.

~Rumi

today the Palestinian Authority submitted its application for full statehood to the UN. it is a deeply significant moment and highly complex because of history, neighbours, timing.  yet underneath this is a question that is popping up all over the world.... 

if a people wish to self-define, why do they need permission from the UN or an external body? who is to say whether a people are a nation or not? what kind of authority is needed from the outside ~  and what kind of authority can we claim for ourselves from the inside?

mahatma gandhi modeled these questions in his life and invited the many to join in - he called it swaraj, which means self-rule or self-governance. his was a movement seeded during the occupation of india by the british empire.  swaraj is an incredible testament to the collective power of aligning our inner values with our outer actions; it is a practice of integrity and a practice of hand-crafting our lives. it is a movement to regenerate new reference points, systems, and structures that enable  individual and collective self-development that is aligned with life.  

collective entrepreneurship

 we are part of an unprecedented collective self-defining unfolding in the world right now.  we are witnessing people taking their lives into their own hands - in french we say entreprendre, to take things into our own hands.

in European squares, people are coming together to model new forms of "active democracy". in cities all over israel, they are protesting, talking, and taking action towards a fundamentally different future than that which the state propagates.  and are witness to hundreds of thousands of people in the arab world demanding and creating new forms of expression and participation in their own lives, and the lives of their communities..

this massive collective entrepreneurship is re-shaping the flow of power, resources. re-shaping our inner and outer states such that we are authoring our own lives, and doing so collectively.  the ground has moved and there are new openings and new edges.  these openings are the places for new conversations and new forms of relationship, ones that break the reliance on outsourcing our lives to others and instead invites us to be brave, to live life as the lover of life, and be wililng to howl.

liberating structures

my grandfather, Escott Reid, was part of a wave of institutional activists or tempered radicals who, in the 1940s-50s, set up the World Bank, NATO and the UN after the horror of two world wars.. he was also very wary of "the persistence of existing institutions" and in his later years, he spoke of these same institutions whose structures were intended to prevent wars needing to be dismantled as they lose sight of their original mission. he was aware of the tendency to persist to serve primarily their own needs and interests.

institutions are no longer the place from which we must ask permission for our autonomy. in fact, many of them are in need of our help to hospice them, to bring them to conscious closure or find a new purpose. now is not a time of  "structural reform" but rather, of structural transformation - and i definitely feel it within my own life. it is frightening to let go of the structures that i have looked to for security - the idea of certain kind of family or having a certain kind home, or what work should look like. 

so where do i find my sense of security? can i create my very own "security council" mandated to help me keep moving with the flow of how life is calling me forward?  what are the structures or ideas or archetypes out of which we are now breaking?  how do we liberate our structures so that more love and depth and relationship can be freed?  how do we sit with the pain of so much letting go - and of the stretch into the new? 

perhaps we are witnessing the UN in an iconic moment as much as we are witnessing Palestine and ourselves.  it is a massive shift in where power lies.  what kind of authority do we claim as peoples of this Earth, at this potent time of active resurgence, to transform our realities to be aligned with life? 

dare we self-define and author our lives from that broken-open place of the lover of life? lukewarm won't do. there is courage involved....

tasting the future

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I find myself part of a “field” of people hosting some incredible work in the United Kingdom. It’s an initiative called Tasting the Future which is being called by some brave souls within the WWF-UK in partnership with the Hara Practice Collaborative of which I am a member. Along with all sorts of people who are joining us from across the UK and Europe, we are creating an ever-widening field of "collaborative innovation" for a One Planet food system.

Tasting the Future is less a "project" and more like a movement because it is about collectively finding a new way of living with the planet and with each other, through the portal of our food. I use the word brave because, in fact, what we are calling in is a new way of working on systemic and intractable issues. We are on the edge of what we know. So it means we need to be brave enough to not-know, and yet to step in and say Yes, I am here, join me. The nature of our work as a “field” is to create a container for our deep knowing and our not-knowing to meet, and to work with what emerges.

Currently, the UK alone consumes as if it had 3 planets from which to feed itself. Factor in North America, Europe, and the massive consumer cultures emerging in Asia and it is almost too much to bear. Tasting the Future is asking, what would a food system actually look like if we produced and consumed in a way that sustained, rather than depleted, people and the planet?

The answer is actually that nobody knows what our new systems can and will look like because we are currently in a world in transition. We have a sense of new ways forward, and we are only beginning to witness the massiveness of our current systems' dysfunction. Our damage to the planet and to our humanity has led to unprecedented depletion of both our biosphere and ethnosphere. Citizens in Europe, North Africa and the Middle East are collectively walking out of old structures of dominance, corruption and oppression and standing up for a new way of living life.There is huge potential for change. But what now?

There are many possible pathways forward. We can consume better and create higher standards and regulations for our current industries. We can consume differently by creating entirely new industries, like electric cars and upcycled product lines. Or we can consume less and in so doing, shift industries and behaviours radically: car-free cities and everything open-source. In this “spectrum of change”, the latter is a fundamental shift in our values, behaviours, artifacts, and assumptions about what ecology and economy and humanity are and can be. This is systemic transformation within a "dynamical" context~ it is characterized by high levels of complexity, inter-connectivity, non-linearity, emergence.

So in this context, what is Tasting the Future doing? Using the principles of self-organization, it is illuminating the work that is happening already in the UK by convening projects and people across organizations and sectors so they can meet and begin to see more together.  We are connecting in meaningful ways through all sorts of modalities of interaction and collaboration - from large-scale Assemblies to Depth meetings, hosting meaningful conversations and Pro-action cafes. Our purpose is to create and sustain a learning ecology for innovation, learning and new relationships to grow. This is a way of tapping collective intelligence to source new knowledge and practice. We are building our capacities to integrate what we are learning together into our own lives and networks and then scaling this out to a much wider field.

The edge in this work is around calling out a new culture, one that learns and grows together through actually being in profound relationship with each other and with the earth. We are finding that following these four principles, the greater we are willing to take our own personal transformation to the edge, the more transformation in the system we are able to hold:

  • The core of the work of systemic transformation is relationship
  • Systemic transformation includes all systems, and it starts with ourselves
  • It takes practicing, experimenting, and discovering together
  • Learning how to learn is a core innovation. 
Why is a new culture of learning how to learn, based on relationships that include all systems in order to practice and experiment needed? 

Because the norm is to work with cause and effect and to see the system as outside of ourselves: to see problems and find solutions, to bring together experts or power brokers and get them to create strategies that will be implemented by us, or to create lists of recommendations that others should follow.  What we don't have as a sophisticated human capacity is to be learners together regardless of our status, to be the us that leads and the them that follows.  It is us as learners who access a collective intelligence from the whole - from our diversity, differences and inter-connectivity, from what the Earth is asking of us and trying to teaching us.  It is to engage in what matters to us from our wholeness as human beings, as opposed to from our "titles", positions, these fragmented aspects of our selves.

As Margaret Wheatley writes, "whatever the problem, community is the answer" and "the leaders we need are already here."  Those that are showing up are "paradigm pioneers" who hold a sense of purpose so strongly that others gather around, bring their beauty, and live their way courageously into the unknown, yet tangible, future.  We can already taste it...

*the Hara Practice Collaborative is field of independent practitioners who came together to support Tasting the Future comprised of
Maria Scordialos, Sarah Whiteley and myself from the Living Wholeness Institute
Hendrik Tiesinga
  and Simone Poutnik from Natural Innovation
& Linda Joy Mitchell
 
For more on Tasting the Future click here.
photos: Sarah Whiteley, Vanessa Reid, Julie Arts, Helen Titchen Beech 

when yoga gets really real

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when i moved to jerusalem 2 years ago, i thought for sure that i would continue my yoga practice, especially after working at ascent magazine and having yoga present in my life in so many ways for so many years.  i thought that i would even find others in this Holy City to practice with. a sangha, a space, a teacher. even other forms of spiritual practice. but that has not been the case. at least not exactly. my journey has been quite different. but then why would i think that things would turn out the way i thought? 

and so while i have discovered here many layers and qualities of spirituality that have moved my soul, shaken my assumptions, inspired further discovery, and shifted my consciousness, i have had to completely redefine my yoga.  it has led me over and over to the question, “so then what is my yoga practice?”

my practice has been to re-frame and re-contract my relationship with my own body, with my heart, with the identities i had accumulated up until now, and certainly with what i had understood yoga was for me.

more specifically, my yoga practice here, in jerusalem, has been the rigorous commitment to understanding my own heart.  the pathway to this has been through being in a practice of relationship with my partner, yitzhak, which is the reason i traveled to the middle east, to this city, in the first place. this re-location to this part of the world and this re-configuring of my identity into being one who is in a deep partnership has turned my insides out and my outsides in. it has peeled my skin off, shown me more of who i am.  it has dared me to look at what i dared not look at or meet within myself.  even through my many reflections in my Hidden Language Hatha practice, i cleverly managed to not encounter these parts of my self.

if yoga in all its sacred expressions is to practice union, to become more whole, to let go of what i no longer need to keep evolving, serving, living ~ then my practice has been one of breaking my heart open. of letting light in to places that i had kept dark. the practice of accepting and loving all those places in me and in others, including yitzhak's.  the yoga has been "off the mat", as we say in north america.  it has been in all the letting go and surrendering.

and now, 2 years later, i find myself on my mat. quietly, in a little corner of our apartment that i had identified upon my arrival here as "the yoga corner", i am finding my way back to a different yogic relationship with my body and life, and with the divine. i find myself much softer, less flexible, yet much more flexible. i have re-located myself.  i have new ground and a new centre from which i practice. i am deeply grateful for the years of practice and reflection and the teachings that are deep in my cellular structure and which thank goodness find their way into my life, into my whole life, and particularly in hard moments.

and significantly, i find myself sharing my practice with others, spontaneously, generously, humbly, and together we open our hearts wide open – ever so gently, into the yoga of friendship, of listening, of vulnerability, and of being present to life and all its mysteries with our whole, broken, beautiful selves.

i have matured.  so has my practice. it is a life practice.  

hello mat.

p.s. my favourite radio show On Being posted this in their series on Jerusalem!